What a Joke

[The Business Ninja]

So, inspired by the funny sayings and quotes thread, I thought I would toss up a thread where people can post their favorite jokes. Please be respectful and mind the forum's guidelines--most especially in regard to racism and the like--but have fun and see how many people you can make laugh.

A little zinger from my book for a Personal Finance class:
Why don't sharks attack auditors?

Professional courtesy.

[modbreak]Joke posts only, please. Posts that only contain comments on other jokes will be deleted.[/modbreak]

[rini]

two of my all time favorite jokes EVAH:

why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
cos it was dead.
why did the 2nd monkey fall out of the tree?
cos it was dead
why did the 3rd monkey fall out of the tree?
cos it was dead
why did the 4th monkey fall out of the tree?
cos it was dead
why did the 5th monkey fall out of the tree?
peer pressure

a snail walks into a lamborghini dealership, and asks the salesmen, "do your cars go fast?" salesman says, "of course, they go fast, they're lamborghinis!" the snail nods, and asks, "so, can i get any colour i want?" and the salesman says, "of course, customer service is our first priority!" the snail nods, and asks, "can i get any finish i want?" and the salesman says, "of course! customer service is our first priority." and the snail nods and says, "good. i want a lamborghini in cherry red, with HUEG S's painted all over it in bright green." and the salesman says, "why would you ever want to deface a beautiful lamborghini with bright green S's?" and the snail sighs, and says, "ever since i was a little snail, i've had a dream. my dream is to have people stop and stare as i drive by, and say, "LOOK AT THAT S-CAR-GO!"

[Greg Hines]

A few years ago, this joke was voted by people in the UK as the funniest joke in the world. I have to agree. Every time I hear it, I still laugh...


Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night, Holmes said, "Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson said, "I see millions and millions of stars."

Holmes said, "And what does that tell you?"

Watson said, "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes said, "Somebody stole our tent."

[colonelmasako]

A guy walks into a bar and says "Ouch"

[Skrae]

My favorite joke is unfortunately a bit NSFW, so I will instead tell another.

A priest, a rabbi, and a humpback whale walk into a bar.  The priest says, "I'm Catholic, so I'll have the sacramental wine."  The rabbi says, "I'm Jewish, so I'll have the Manischewitz wine."  The whale says, "EUUUUUWOOOOOEEEEEOOOOOOHWWWWWUUUUUU!"




It's very hard to transcribe whale into the roman alphabet.

[Sixwing]

What's yellow and doesn't ring much?

... an unlisted banana.

[WafflezelffaW]

2 guys walked into a bar, the third one ducked.

A rope walks into a restraunt, sits down and a waiter comes to him. The waiter says "are you a rope?" the rope responds. "well, yes." "sorry we don't serve rope the rope left, put on a fake mustache and came back. The waiter asks "You look like a rope, are you a rope?" the rope looks down and nods and walks out. He ties himself in a knot and frays his ends, comes back in. "Are you a rope?" "I'm a frayed knot."(I'm afraid not)

What's the difference between orange?

A light pole because a motorcycle has no doors.

[The Ronin]

A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of an older porsche, when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.

The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his new turbo when the mechanic shouted across the garage, 'Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?'

The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the car. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, 'So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take out the valves, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I'm finished, it works just like new. So how come I make $39,675 a year and you get the really big bucks like over a million when you and I are doing basically the same work?'

The cardiologist paused, smiled, leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic, "Try doing it while the engine is running.."

[Boomerjinks]

Would you consider a panda who has had his food stolen to have been bamboozled?

If a boxer makes fun of his opponent during his very first match, would that be a debut taunt?

[theMulti-Facets]

A policeman pulled over a driver who was driving erratically. Following procedure, he asked the man to step out of the vehicle and take a breathalyzer test.

"I can't do that, sir," the driver said. "I have asthma, and if I take that test, I could have an attack."

"Okay, then you need to come to the station with me and have a blood test," the policeman replied.

"I can't do that either, sir," the driver stated. "I have hemophilia, and a poke from a needle could make me bleed to death."

"Fine, then step out of the car and take a field sobriety test," the officer ordered in exasperation.

"I can't do that either, sir."

"Why not?!"

"Because I'm drunk, sir."


===========


Once there was a fly who was buzzing over a pasture, where he found a nice, fresh pile of manure. Delighted, he landed and ate and ate and ate. Even though he was getting full, he thought he should take this opportunity to enjoy himself to the greatest possible extent at this feast.

He ate and ate and ate until he was absolutely stuffed, and then finally tried to take off, only to fail because he was so heavy. After a few more attempts, he noticed a rake leaning against the pasture fence. "Oh, I can use that to get some altitude. That should help," he realized, and walked over to climb up.

He climbed and climbed until he reached the top, spread his wings and jumped off-

And fell and went splat.

The moral of the story?






Don't fly off the handle when you know you're full of s--t.

[GimmeAnime]

A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says.
The bartender promptly serves up a beer.
"How much will that be?" asks the neutron.
"For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge"

A Higgs-Boson walks into a church, the priest says "We don't allow Higgs-Bosons in here.".
The Higgs-Boson says "But without me how can you have mass?"

A tachyon walks into a bar.
The bartender says "We don't serve your kind here."
The tachyon replies "You did tomorrow."

Two atoms are walking down the street.
One stops, pats himself down, and says, "I think I left an electron at the bar!"
Quoth the other: "Are you sure?"
To which the first responds: "Yes, I'm positive!"

a neutrino walks into a bar.
the bartender says "we don't serve neutrinos here!"
the neutrino says "that okay, i was just passing through"

Neeeerd humor 

[The Ronin]

There are 10 types of people in the world. Those that understand binary, and those that don't.

[JackWarn]

What's the difference between a skydiver and a little kid with an ice cream cone?
With the kid you hear *splat* "waaaaaaaaa"
With the skydiver "WAAAAAAA" *SPLAT*

So a woman travels to Israel on vacation. She was having a wounderful time but halfway through her trip her watch broke. Unfortunately she needed it to make sure she got to her plane on time so she went looking for a watch repair shop. She was having a hard time of it because she couldn't speak or read Hebrew and so had no idea what the shopfront signs said. Finaly she saw one with a number of clocks in the window and walked in.
"Excuse me," she said to the man inside, "But I need my watch repaired within the next week how soon could you do it?"
"Oh, I don't repair clocks. I'm a Rabbi and I perform Circumcisions."
"Well then why do you have so many clocks in your window?"
"And just what should I have in my window?"

[Kiwi_Foxiit]

       A man is flying for the first time, and he's a little nervous, so he strikes up a conversation with one of the flight attendants. She's very friendly and even offers him a stick of gum.
   "This will help to keep your ears from popping too much."
 The man thanks her for the gesture and has a very nice flight, once they land the attendant checks on the man.
   "Did the gum help?"
   "Yeah a bunch!, there's just one peoblem.."
   "What's that?"
   "....how do I get the gum out of my ears??"
 
  ;o;

[theMulti-Facets]

Railroad crossing, look out for cars.
Can you spell that without any Rs?

[The irresponsible captain Jack Harkness]

Railroad crossing, look out for cars.
Can you spell that without any Rs?

Yes I can spell that without any R's

"t-h-a-t" < see 

[theMulti-Facets]

Precisely! ^n_n^


A boy got bored during arithmetic class, so he made a little crossbow out of rubber bands and pencils. It got taken away 'cause it was a weapon of math disruption.

[trinityrenee]

Three blonds are walking through the forest when they stumble upon a set of tracks.

The first blond looks at the tracks and exclaims loudly "LOOK!! Deer tracks!"

The second blond shakes her head. "No no, those aren't deer tracks. They're bear tracks."

The third blond exclaims. "You're both wrong! They're cougar tracks!"

As the three blonds continues to argue amongst themselves about what kind of tracks they were, the train hit them.

[tabbyblack13]

How do you kill a Blond? Put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool.

A Brunette, a dumb Blond, and a smart Blond jump off a building, who landed first? The Brunette. The dumb Blond had to stop and ask for direction and the smart Blond doesn't exist.

What do you call 5 Blonds standing ear to ear? A wind-tunnel.

[XNtr3k]

Do astronauts get their hands stamped for re-entry?